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You’ve seen that film. You know the one, where you’re yelling at the character on the screen to check behind the door, but they lack any spacial awareness whatsoever it makes you wonder how they even got to be the age they are in the film without meeting their demise much sooner over something far more dumb.
You’ve seen that film, the one where despite all logic, at least one of the characters manages to fumble out alive, leaving you wondering what kind of physics, magic system, or level of absolute ineptitude on the killer’s part made it possible for one of the leads to survive.
It’s the film where you spend half of it throwing your hands in the air with a loud “OMG,” or you’re grumbling “WTF.” It’s the film where you constantly ask the characters “What the fuck are you doing?!”
It’s the same movie with really bad puns and one liners. It’s the one where the situation is so incredibly absurd, there’s no way the people who bankrolled it were sober when it was pitched, and completely absent during its production.
You know the type. It’s the kind of movie that fuels the bitterness of horror film haters globally. This weekend, we present to you three such films: Takeout (2025), Seed (2021), and Ready or Not (2019). As you can see from above, these films have no less than four clowns in accord with 🤡 JEST: The Calamity Content Rating System, highlighting the absurd nature of these films as horror movie travesties. Still, there is value in watching them, and that value lies in the entertaining activity of roasting these film during your viewing of them.
What follows below is a general review of each film. There may be spoilers! However, doubtful your viewing experience will be hampered by spoilers; you already know the films are terrible.
So, gather your friends for this one, make a big ol’ batch of popcorn, and settle in for what would be the most frustrating cinematic weekend in horror except you know these films are terrible and are prepared for them. Normally we hope you enjoy the show; this time, we hope you enjoy the experience. If you come up with some particularly excellent roasts, please share them with us! We would love to hear all about it. You can use the survey links below.
Find the list on Letterboxd here:
Do love watching strong central characters step up and absolutely wreck their antagonists? We certainly do! So much so, we made a whole separate list of films all about that, and it is 1000% not the list you are reading about right now. Nay, this is the opposite of that: inept central characters that fumble and foil their way through the film and somehow, against all Darwinian logic, manage to get out the other side. Now, we know these films are bad, so we’ll spare you the setup and skip right to the bad parts, starting with …
Ready or Not (2019)
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Imagine this: you are locked inside of a mansion on your wedding day with your murderous in-laws who are intent on, well, murdering you. You know they’re trying to murder you; that part got real clear real quick once the “game” began. The problem is, you lack common sense, and so you begin running and hiding and hiding and running all while still wearing your giant fucking wedding dress.
Real fucking smart, you are. No one will ever be able to tell where you’re hiding despite the yards of skirts flowing out from under doorways and spilling into hallways. Nope, you are perfectly safe from being found even though you lack the basic concept of understanding how to hide without being seen.
Speaking of lacking basic concepts of general survivability, you:
attempt to help someone actively working to draw the others to your location to murder you,
argue with the one person who is legitimately working to save your life,
ignore the lockdown warnings and waste a good amount of energy trying to open the windows anyway, and
fail to murder anyone you knock out to ensure they don’t come back to finish you off.
There is just so much stupid in the main character, you wonder how the fuck she makes it out in the end. And we’re supposed to be rooting for her to survive? No.
Continued after the break
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An old woman risks everything to discover what became of her husband. A tale from the Odds ‘n’ Endings Boutique.
Seed (2021)
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Seed is what would have happened had all the vapid women from The Descent (2005) managed to haul their asses out of the hole and out into the desert for vacation. We are assaulted right at the beginning with these characters’ low intellect and generally sour disposition. How the film ultimate ends is somewhat predictable, though we argue it is the ending that provides some small redemption for the inane start and much of the plot. We say “plot” for lack of a better word; just know “plot” is doing some heavy lifting here.
Takeout (2025)
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This film clocks in at just over 90 minutes and could have been hour. Also a grand comedy of errors, this film stalls at just past the half-way point, where it appears the writers struggled to add enough original content to span the films play time, and thus did they stretch out the remaining—oh, I don’t know—45 fucking minutes of the film with a constant stream of pitfalls and mistakes. The garrulous nature of this film makes it nigh unwatchable; had they let the murder win and walk away and the film ended in less than an hour, it would have been a much much better film.
As it is, they did not do that, and thus the five clowns we attribute to the existence of this film.
Terrible films are a bummer, particularly when your expectations are set fairly low. As in, how the fuck did a film manage to fail to meet your already low expectations? In the case of high expectations, we believe it is easy for films to fail to meet them, and thus less consequential, whereas films that exceed your highest expectations are worthy of being celebrated. Most of the time, however, your expectations are not high, and thus what a massive disappointment when a film cannot even live up to some general baseline of quality.
Ah well, at least these film who fail to meet even the lowest expectations can be beneficial in other ways. Like throwing a roast party, for example! Or just generally celebrating how terrible a movie is a la The Room.
Anywho, thank you so very much for joining us on the journey. We here at the Calamity treasure your attention and wish to bestow upon you the most fun one can have backstage. In this case, it is happily tearing apart films for the purpose entertainment. We wish you a wonderful weekend with this in mind.
Please, for the love of all that is unholy and calamitous in this world, please let us know what you think of this content! The buttons below will each take you to a respective survey consisting of two to three questions. Your opinions will help shape the future of Backstage at the Calamity.